Hitting the wall

What do you do when you can’t push any more?

When everything around you becomes a blur?

When the faces you see and love everyday become something horrific?

What about when all of that hits at once? When it hits and suddenly you don’t recognize where you are, or who you’re with?

What can you do when you spend the majority of your day laying in bed with a cinder block on your chest, and those moments you manage to get up are spent in tears or wishing you could just get back into bed and hide?

You do what I’ve decided to do.

You end it.

You end the pain, you end the ringing in your ears, you end the sudden flashes of rage and guilt and desperation.

You end it because you can’t keep going on like you have been.

You end it because you see that, if you weren’t there, no one would give a damn anyway.

You end it, because the ones you’ve been torturing with your sick, twisted, selfish and narcissistic ways don’t deserve to be treated like this.

Without you, they can do better. They can be free to have what they want. They don’t have to ask your opinions, or worry about making you upset. They don’t have to “tred on eggshells” as it were, to avoid fights they *know* will come if they say something to you.

Without you, they can do whatever they please.

And you won’t be there to ruin things for them anymore.

And thats the way it should be.

There’s peace in knowing you won’t cause them too much more pain, and that, eventually, they’ll be able to smile again, knowing you won’t be standing in their way.

Because no one should have to put up with the mess that is you.

I love you guys so much, and wherever I end up, I’ll miss you.

“And when they’ve given you their all, some stagger and fall. After all, it’s not easy; Bangin’ your heart against some mad bugger's wall.”
                                                           - Roger Waters “Outside the Wall”